im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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