my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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