know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
