I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
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turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.