How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
