dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
