so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
