nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
