so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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