We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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