Got a toothbrush?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
