broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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