I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
