I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
