I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
