There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
