Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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