I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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