hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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