I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
