unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
