he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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