oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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