Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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