Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
