I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
