So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
