He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
