Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
