You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
