How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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