Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize