I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
