There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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