i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
