I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
