woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
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If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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