I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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