she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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