I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
