Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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