hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
