kristin has been a bad kristin
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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