I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
