my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
