i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
