When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
