dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
