did you get engaged???
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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