Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
