you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
