Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
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the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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