my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize