So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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