My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
